When Smiles Can't Mask the Tears - Untangling Life's Emotional Contradictions
As I sit listening to the faint cry of a new-born, I realise that today is the first of many to come for the father next door. Father’s Day is a day of mixed emotions. It’s bittersweet, bringing a celebration for the bond Chris has with our girls as well as a deep longing for the father I no longer have.
This year, I’m also missing my father-in-law, Peter, who filled some of the void left by my dad's absence. He had a quiet belief in me, never needing me to prove my worth in order to feel unconditionally accepted. And so, it's poignant. The delight of watching my family grow, of seeing the love in Chris's eyes, reflected back in the eyes of my girls, tinged with a deep ache for what no longer is. All the while, I wrestle with a deep disappointment for not being fully present to savour the happiness of the moment.
These mixed emotions aren't confined to one day, nor are they unique to one person;. life regularly serves this duality to all of us. Our youngest daughter just finished elementary school. I held back tears of pride, awe and sadness as I saw her stand on stage. I felt a deep and wistful longing for the little girl who I could carry in my arms, a gratitude for the tween she’s about to become, a sorrow that this phase of life is gone forever, and a fear that the next ending will come around even more quickly than this one. Afterward I shared how I felt with other parents who nodded, their expression one of profound understanding.
Mixed emotions are indeed a common occurrence. One piece of research suggests that we experience them up to 36% of the time in our daily lives. Moments of delight are often intertwined with disappointment. We might feel deep love for our partner while also grappling with all-consuming frustration. The excitement of a new adventure comes hand in hand with fear. Pride and joy in a child’s accomplishments are coupled with the sad realization that they are growing up. But in spite of how common these emotions are, they often create a sense of unease, disorientation, or resistance that typically comes from unfamiliarity. The long and the short of it - we struggle with allowing opposing emotions to co-exist.
Why is this?
Western psychological models are based on a single continuum, considering emotions to be either "good" or "bad" at any given moment, but not both. So, for example, if you're having a good day and receive bad news, it's assumed your positive mood will be replaced by a negative one. And this is the narrative we've been fed by society. Emotions are viewed as mutually exclusive—happy OR sad, rather than ever being simultaneously happy AND sad.
However, recent neuroscientific research reveals that our brains actually process many emotions considered opposites, in different areas, meaning they can and do indeed coexist. We've been fed the wrong story that oversimplifies the intricate nature of human emotions.
Why does this matter?
Having been taught that these dualities of emotion are 'wrong,' leads us to resist what is actually very normal (take for example my own disappointment felt at not fully engaging purely with the positive). For some this belief causes a resistance to these emotions, which in turn negatively impacts mental health. But it doesn’t have to be that way, research shows for example that Eastern cultures are far more open to the concept of mixed emotions. As a result, people are also far more comfortable accepting them when they arise.
By challenging our outdated Western beliefs and embracing the complexity of our emotions, we can foster greater resilience, self-insight, and overall well-being. This will not only deepen our understanding and connection to ourselves but also enhance our ability to build meaningful connections with others, thanks to the increased empathy and emotional intelligence it fosters.
How can you do this?
Knowing that it's normal to feel more than one emotion at once is a fantastic starting point. However, the paradoxical coexistence of positive and negative emotions can still feel unsettling until we practice allowing and accepting the complexity. To do this you can try:
1. Naming Emotions
If you can identify and name the emotions you’re experiencing instead of judging, ignoring, or fighting your emotional state it provides a really strong foundation to work from. For example, when you feel excited and nervous say to yourself, "I feel excited and nervous," Even creating your own unique terms can help. For example, when my eldest was little she used to say that she was "nervited." This simple process has a surprisingly powerful impact on how we process emotions in the brain.
2. Using "And" Instead of "But"
When describing mixed feelings, use “and” instead of “but.” For example, say, “I feel happy and sad” instead of “I feel happy but sad.” This simple shift helps you integrate contrasting emotions and to become more comfortable with the full spectrum of your feelings.
3. Practicing Acceptance
Instead of resisting mixed emotions, try to approach them with curiosity. Observe your feelings as they arise without judging them as good or bad. This mindful awareness helps you stay grounded and prevents emotional overwhelm.
4. Journaling
Write about your mixed emotions. Research shows that expressing emotions through writing activates brain regions involved in regulating emotional responses, promoting emotional processing and closure.
5. Expanding Your Emotional Vocabulary
Go beyond basic terms like “happy” and “sad” to include a more nuanced set of words. This will allow you to better articulate and understand the specific emotions you’re experiencing simultaneously. Research shows that accurately labelling emotions facilitates emotional processing and understanding, activating brain regions involved in emotional regulation. It also supports ‘making meaning’, providing deeper self-insight and coherence in our emotional life.
So, as I sit here on Father's Day, reflecting on my own complex feelings, I realize the profound value of embracing the full spectrum of our emotions. This bittersweet blend of emotions evoked, much like the complexity of life itself, teaches me to accept and find meaning in the coexistence of joy and sorrow. And by learning to recognize and validate our experiences, we can all build resilience, deepen our self-awareness, and gain a richer, more nuanced connection to ourselves and the world around us.
References and Reading
Barford, K. A., Koval, P., Kuppens, P. & Smillie, L. D. (in press). When good feelings turn mixed: Affective dynamics and Big Five trait predictors of mixed emotions in daily life. European Journal of Personality
Keyes, Corey L. M. Languishing: How to Feel Alive Again in a World That Wears You Down. First edition, Crown, 2024
Zheng W, Yu A, Li D, Fang P, Peng K (2021). Cultural Differences in Mixed Emotions: The Role of Dialectical Thinking. Frontiers in Psychology.
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