Breaking Free: Escaping The Trap of Toxic Positivity

I remember the day vividly, the day that while I was at school my dad, despite his healthy lifestyle, had a heart attack. For a time it shattered my world with the fear that we may lose him. But, in the aftermath, my dad’s response was nothing short of remarkable. Instead of succumbing to despair, he chose to focus on the positives, finding joy in the smallest of moments and expressing gratitude for the wonders of life. Something he continued to do with complete authenticity for many years to come. 

Perhaps it was this that led me to pick up ‘The Power of Positive Thinking’ by Norman Vincent Peale when I was browsing a second-hand book shop as a teenager. The book published in the 1950s with a hard-plain cover, dulled gold print and yellow pages offered hope of breaking free of my teenage angst. I treasured that book and took everything to heart in an attempt to rid myself of my troubles. But this book potentially contributed to my downward spiral into what ultimately became severe clinical depression. 

Back then, I wasn’t a psychologist—I was simply trying to navigate life. It’s only now, after years of experience, that I’m beginning to understand the nuanced yet pivotal distinction between my Dad’s approach to positivity and the advice I’d earnestly attempted to live. The authors advice was genuine and heartfelt but written in a time before we fully understood the traps and nuances of the brain. 

But despite knowing so much more about how the brain works now, society is slow to drop the messages of what’s become known as toxic positivity. Notebook covers tell us to “stay positive”, social media posts urge us to “look on the bright side” even well meaning friends will tell us “It will all be fine. Everything happens for a reason.”But while cultivating a positive outlook can be beneficial for our mental well-being, there’s a fine line between applying this in a healthy way versus one that is as the term suggests is ‘toxic’ to our brain. 

Toxic positivity is the relentless pursuit of happiness at the expense of acknowledging and processing negative emotions. It’s the belief that we should always maintain a cheerful demeanour, regardless of any challenges we face. This mindset invalidates genuine emotions and can foster feelings of guilt or shame for not “being positive enough.” It can even be seriously harmful to mental health. 

On the other hand, healthy positivity involves acknowledging the full spectrum of emotions while seeking out moments of joy and gratitude. It’s about finding balance, allowing ourselves to experience sadness, anger, or frustration when necessary, but not allowing these emotions to define our entire outlook on life. Here are some examples of how these differences can look: 

1. Acknowledging Emotions

   – Healthy Positivity: Embraces the full range of emotions, encouraging you to validate your feelings, both positive and negative e.g. “I feel sad about the situation, and it’s okay to feel this way. I will give myself the space to process it.”

   – Toxic Positivity: Dismisses emotions, pressuring you to maintain a relentlessly positive outlook, which can lead to the invalidation of natural feelings of sadness, anger, or fear which prevents healthy processing e.g. “Don’t be sad; just think positive! Everything will work out in the end.”

2. Having Emotional Flex

Healthy Positivity: Recognizes the natural ebb and flow of emotions, promoting a mindset that allows for the coexistence of positive and negative feelings. e.g. “Today has been challenging, but I also had moments of joy. It’s normal to have both good and bad days.”

Toxic Positivity: Contributes to “all or nothing” thinking, creating a sense of inadequacy when we’re unable to continuously maintain a positive attitude e.g. “I must be happy all the time, no matter what challenges I’m facing. Just ignore the negativity.”

3. Being Compassionate

Healthy Positivity: Fosters self-compassion by allowing us to acknowledge and work through difficult emotions without judgment, promoting a more realistic approach to well-being e.g. “I made a mistake, and it’s okay. I will learn from it and do better next time. I am human, and it’s natural to have setbacks.”

Toxic Positivity: Can lead to increased feelings of shame and guilt when we’re unable to maintain a positive attitude at all times, hindering genuine emotional processing e.g. “I should always maintain a positive attitude. Feeling down is a sign of weakness.”

4. Asking for Help

Healthy Positivity: Encourages seeking support when needed, recognizing that it’s okay not to be okay at times e.g. “I’m going through a tough time, and I could do with talking to someone I trust.”

Toxic Positivity: Can make it difficult for individuals to seek help when they’re struggling, as they fear being judged or rejected for not positive enough e.g. “You don’t want to hear about my problems. Just focus on the good things in life.”

5. Sharing Openly 

Healthy Positivity: Promotes a balanced approach that acknowledges the full range of human emotions, fostering authenticity and genuine connections with others e.g. “I appreciate your honesty about your feelings. It’s important to me that we can talk about things openly.”

Toxic Positivity: Sets unrealistic expectations that individuals should only experience positive emotions, failing to acknowledge the complexity of human emotions and experiences e.g. “Just be positive and everything will be fine. Don’t bring everyone down with your feelings.”

It’s taken me many years to figure out the difference between using positivity in a way that’s healthy versus a way that’s toxic. Like many things psychological it can be hard to wrap your head around, especially when it comes to applying knowledge to ourselves. It’s so nuanced which is why it’s really important to try to keep learning both for ourselves and in order to respond in the right way to people we care about and want to support. Understanding the distinction really is crucial for promoting mental well-being and resilience, improving our enjoyment of life (which of course doesn’t mean always plastering on a smile) and improving our relationships.

My dad’s journey serves as a poignant example of genuine optimism in action. Despite facing significant health challenges, he chose to focus on the positives, embracing gratitude and finding joy in everyday moments. Rather than dwelling on what he couldn’t control, he shifted his perspective, choosing to see the good in people and situations. Like my dad, I’m now striving to find joy in the journey, embracing life’s ups and downs with grace and gratitude and learning how to work with my brain in a way that’s helpful. 

I miss you Dad!

To read more about ‘Healthy Positivity’ try Barbara Fredrickson’s book “Positivity: Top-Notch Research Reveals the 3-to-1 Ratio That Will Change Your Life”